Every time I feel things get a big more stable and I can start making some plans for MY future, life throws more shit at me and I have to rethink my whole existence.
I realized today I feel incredible guilt, even though I should not. I feel like I set the boat on fire and I only saved myself without looking back at who else was on the boat. I left him who cannot swim. The boat is falling apart around him and he has no idea where to go while I stand on the shore not knowing what to do. For I cannot save the boat, nor can I save him without sacrificing my life. I dare not look at this pathetic scene unfolding in front of me for if our eyes meet my soul might crumble into nothingness.
My soul, my mind, my body, my heart, my existence have to move on. So I turn my back to this sinking boat and all that is left behind. I break as I break others. I break as I leave. The boat and all that was has gone quiet. But my mind has not. I cannot silence my mind. But it is not the sound of defeat. It is not the sound of hopelessness or despair. It is the sound of resilience. It is the sound of screams as I take back what is mine… my thoughts, my emotions, my being, my sense of belonging, my worth, my right to live life, my freedom of choice, my voice! For these were taken from me through abuse.
I am still me. After all these years, I am still me. My mask has come off and I am feeling every emotion and sorrow and pain and laughter and joy and heartache and depression and desperation…. everything I was not allowed to feel I am now feeling! I am alive!! If I can handle the abuse I have suffered in this life time, I can sure as hell deal with my boat sinking. Because what a scene…. even in fire there is beauty. And when it has all sunk to the bottom, that is where it will remain, never to be dug up again. I am worth more than a pile of junk on the ocean floor. I will leave it there to be overcome with weeds and coral and homes for fish and maybe one day I can even look back at the horror of the past years and look at it with different eyes.
~ Becca ~