Poetry: “The Girl Lost”.

What to do when one cannot go back

And fears to go forward for what is left behind?

Do I take my punishment and die on this beat?

It’s not supposed to be easy but I am off the chosen track

There is no beginning and this might be my end defined

 

What have I done which can never be undone

I have never felt this lonely in my life

Nor have I ever been this alone in my being

This journey has started and the end of me has begun

My adult me has started cutting at the memories with a knife

 

Someone please whisper to me

Gentle words to save my life

Someone please take me into your arms

Gentle touch to set me free

Whisper and tell me I will survive

 

Please be quiet with me

Someone please join me in silence

For words are slowly taking my breath

Whisper a future that I can see

Please I am begging you, whisper words in my defense

 

I have torn my world in silent secret

And now I am screaming at the top of my lungs

Completely and utterly alone

I am giving into my weakness

Forever holding the secrets that my heart has sung

 

All this noise in my head, inside a body that has betrayed my soul

All these voices yelling and screaming in fears unspoken

A body that shakes out of utter desperation

Faith in a God I can no longer behold

A life I have built, which I have now actively broken

 

I am saying goodbye to the life I have known

God has left, nowhere to be seen

I no longer know who I am or who I will become

Or is this the broken mirror I am putting back together?

To see the little girl which was taken from me

To see my soul which was shattered by the horrors of this world?

I cannot find all of the pieces…. My loves please help

The scars and the cracks cannot be mended

To be ten again, and whole and free

To not be the one that was used and abused and forgotten

Am I still ten waiting for this world to save me?

I have been told to forgive, the only way to become the mirror

Too afraid to see the reflection which is scarred

I look closely, I glare, I stare, I look on in disgust

Please precious world stop shouting, please stop judging

Please… just whisper the words that I need

I am back in my grave looking up from my ravine

The ghost which is me still staring down

The child which was me, her tears falling on my death

Please understand, the ones I love, I need to do this

The ones I left behind, please understand I have left more than just you

I left a broken me, deeply scarred and close to dying

Only to be confronted by the shell which is her all these years on

There is a girl in me that needs to heal

She haunts me with her eyes so empty and deadly

The girl which was me has taken my future self

Keeps me captive for the pain which I did not keep her from

She can now no longer hold my spirit, my God nor my soul

She is ready to die or be set free

So all of you who care, please don’t let go

Whisper a future that I can see

Whisper love and kindness and faith and my soul please bestow

I long to be beautiful and finally look in my broken but mended mirror

And hopefully someday meet and see the woman which is me.

 

~ Becca ~

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18 Comments Add yours

  1. Rob says:

    uhm, Wauw. I need to re-read this several more times to fully absorb this incredible cascade of self

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rebecca says:

      There are deep thoughts in there…. But they too shall pass. Everything got a bit much yesterday, ya know?

      Like

  2. Herbert Uba says:

    Dilemma here: Worship the darkness that prompted you to write this and cross fingers that such a storm be a promise so we can have more or insist that such demons be exercised even though they may bite off a chunk from you WordPress cannot afford to lose?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rebecca says:

      Dilemma indeed 😏. Thank you for your kind words Herbert 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Herbert Uba says:

        Be of good cheer, Becca. And I meant to say ‘exorcised’ up there…

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Rebecca says:

          I figured that’s what you meant 😊. I’m feeling much better today. Yesterday was just one of those days…. so i wrote it down and now off it goes.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Herbert Uba says:

            Writing is therapeutic, yeah…
            I find it helpful to write in color instead when I’m on the down low…

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Rebecca says:

              I’ll have to catch up on your blog soon, it feels like I have been away forever!

              Liked by 1 person

              1. Herbert Uba says:

                Alright, that be nice. I haven’t been posting much myself, though…

                Liked by 1 person

  3. Profound ……….. had to read it all over again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rebecca says:

      Thank you:)

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Rob says:

    God this is lovely. Go bravely forward back to yourself, you are still you. You don’t have to look in the mirror until it is mended. You are not alone. God has never left you, it’s just you are angry and have not forgiven Him for His perceived wrongs. that is ok and normal. What are you truly leaving behind? Something important, sure, but not nearly as much as you think. She is waiting for you. She has never left. She is right where you hid her so long ago. And, when you continue your journey of true awakening, she will crawl out and meet you, in a mirror of your utterly lovely design

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rebecca says:

      Thank you Rob. Thank you for reading every word and understanding it. You see it and that’s important!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Rob says:

        yes I do Bec, very much so

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Sooooo..kinda left depression behind? 🙂 Yaaaahooooo-hoooooo…time for a brighter pages on your blog? :))
    Is it snowy on your side, or you moved out already? I was on trip (Amsterdam) with relatives…+32 lol, but now sitting in rainy Vest again oh

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rebecca says:

      Still here in cold and miserable woods…. it is actually snowing right at this moment 😕 how have you been? I do think I am getting out if this depression funk 😀 yay me!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Snowing…ouch, too much 😶😑 I’m ok, just got back from Amsterdam trip (been there with relatives, I’ll post pics tomorrow maybe), lazy me 😂
        You r on the way out from ur freezing woods, I feel d mood!!! Go girl ✈️✈️

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Rebecca says:

          Ya… it will still take a few months before I can actually move but I’m getting there🙄. Im looking forward to your Amsterdam pictures! Have a great day Ray 😀

          Like

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