I am pretty sure I moved on from last month’s depression. No one came out victorious though…. The being that I call depression with its stupid grin and which is as black as coal got bored and left… (ya, I am not gonna call ‘boring depression away’ a win). The reason why I say I bored it, is because I have gotten stuck on other issues. See, the being called depression might be strong but it is also really fucking stupid. So when I started philosophizing (well there’s a fancy word… ) about the deeper meaning of life, and all the being of depression had to throw at me was ‘die, die, die’, it realized it couldn’t keep up with the conversation…. So it got bored and left. But alas, I fear it might just be out to buy some books and will be back shortly with new arsenal. It will up its game from ‘die, die, die’ to ‘to die or not die, that is the question’.
Anyway, I’m rambling. I have indeed been philosophizing about the deeper meaning of life. But alas, I am clueless. I have come to one conclusion though; coffee, water and hunger are not sufficient nor meaningful (although coming up with new ways to avoid hunger can be quite an interesting debate, I would not be able to call it meaningful….. my findings are not exactly something I should write on the internet… öy I would get bashed and banished forever). Of course, I could put a twist on it and claim that water is life… which is actually true…. Water equals life, right? With water, things grow. See, I drink a shitload of water every day. Am I growing? Am I alive? You would maybe argue that merely water does not make things grow…. Everything needs nutrients. I ate breakfast this morning… I did not grow. I would even claim my mind got stupider (hence the word stupider……..) because now I am left wondering if I could have cut those 200 calories down to 150 and if I should start exercising to burn off the extra 50 = stupid.
No, these are not my philosophies on the meaning of life. These are the distractions I create. They are pointless and meaningless. Everything to avoid the fact that I need to make a drastic change in my life. I need to leave this place. I need to find God…… is there a God.
I need to find answers to the questions that I ignore. Fuck, there are so many of them. I am 36 fucking years old…. I am running out of time.
- Am I stupid? (starving myself does not seem to support intelligence….)
- Is happiness out there?
- Can I survive on my own? (In an emotional philosophical way. Not a physical way… I would go kicking and screaming, stabbing and biting if anyone would try anything….)
- Is there such a thing as the greater good? (then where the hell is it, cos I cannot see it…)
- Is there such a thing as faith?
- Can sex really be mind-blowing?
- Would I be a good mother?
- Does my mother love me?
- Is the being that I call depression real or a fiction of my imagination?
- Is it possible to get completely lost in a person and be completely in love for the rest of your life?
- Is there a God?
- And would He approve or send me to hell? (for the above mentioned mind-blowing sex….)
- Is humanity still alive?
- Am I part of humanity?
- Is it possible for me to function in society? (I tend to want to punch people….)
Any input on the above-mentioned questions would be greatly appreciated…. I tried to google myself to some answers to no avail. And when I googled ‘Can sex really be mind-blowing?’ I got stuck in a completely different world, haha! With pictures and videos…. Holy fuck!
~ Becca ~