Fact number 12: I looooooooove ice cream. Especially chocolate.
But I have never met anyone that does not like ice cream. So how about I give you another fact instead?
- I tend to ignore problems until they are on the brink of disaster
Well doesn’t that just sound healthy?? But it is indeed what I do. And then when the problem is on this brink of disaster, I might just run. I am truly trying to break this habit though. I truly am. I am as we speak trying to make amends with depression, my family, my abuse, my not eating.
I feel I found some new wisdom in dealing with depression thanks to a good friend of mine. I truly believe I will overcome it and I will have the tools for further battles as well.
Even on the family front…. a lot has happened since I wrote fact number 7. My sister has reached out to me (yet I have not really convinced myself of her sincerity yet… it might be a trap! Or a trick question which can be used to destroy me later!). My little brother D, has been very supportive. And my mother….. my mom. We have had contact which seems more sincere then…. well, ever. This one is still confusing me though….. maybe she’s in cahoots with my sister in a master diabolical plan…. Nah. I don’t actually believe this but it is confusing! I told her about the abuse, something she never knew anything about. She shared stories of her own abuse….. A mutual understanding.
The abuse part I have not made amends with yet…. but I think I know how to… -> by just simply writing about it. There is a lot to the chapter in my life which is called abuse (my mind has categorized my life in chapters, like in a book! With pictures. Some pop-up!!). I need to write it all down some day. But first I need to start eating. Because when I eat I make room for other things.
Which brings me to my eating. Or not eating. I refuse to call it an eating disorder… People my age do not have eating disorders, do they? That is for teenagers…. I am too old for this shit. It’s not anorexia…. I am just simply not eating. But I feel my body cannot take much more. I can feel it shutting down. So do I take the punches of hunger? Or do I take the punches of life-long pain and anguish? I do not believe the punches of life-long pain and anguish will kill me. Not anymore. Not eating will.
I do not want to die. I do not wish to die. I do not pray for death, not anymore. But -like the song says- I aint keen on livin’ either. I want love. I want to be held. Not fucked. I truly believe there is so much more to life than what I have been given. Have I not been given these things because I am not worthy? Have I not seen them and missed my chance? Does one only get one chance? Was it my destiny from the start to live in pain for a reason only God has the answer to? Or are the good things still to come? Öy, so many thoughts….. see, that is what happens when one eats breakfast……
It feels like the whole world is talking about Spring and I am stuck in Winter. I truly want this snow to disappear now.
~ Becca ~