The Stories: Part 12.

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Fact number 12: I looooooooove ice cream. Especially chocolate.

But I have never met anyone that does not like ice cream. So how about I give you another fact instead?

  • I tend to ignore problems until they are on the brink of disaster

 

Well doesn’t that just sound healthy?? But it is indeed what I do. And then when the problem is on this brink of disaster, I might just run. I am truly trying to break this habit though. I truly am. I am as we speak trying to make amends with depression, my family, my abuse, my not eating.

I feel I found some new wisdom in dealing with depression thanks to a good friend of mine. I truly believe I will overcome it and I will have the tools for further battles as well.

Even on the family front…. a lot has happened since I wrote fact number 7. My sister has reached out to me (yet I have not really convinced myself of her sincerity yet… it might be a trap! Or a trick question which can be used to destroy me later!). My little brother D, has been very supportive. And my mother….. my mom. We have had contact which seems more sincere then…. well, ever. This one is still confusing me though….. maybe she’s in cahoots with my sister in a master diabolical plan…. Nah. I don’t actually believe this but it is confusing! I told her about the abuse, something she never knew anything about. She shared stories of her own abuse….. A mutual understanding.

The abuse part I have not made amends with yet…. but I think I know how to… -> by just simply writing about it. There is a lot to the chapter in my life which is called abuse (my mind has categorized my life in chapters, like in a book! With pictures. Some pop-up!!). I need to write it all down some day. But first I need to start eating. Because when I eat I make room for other things.

Which brings me to my eating. Or not eating. I refuse to call it an eating disorder… People my age do not have eating disorders, do they? That is for teenagers…. I am too old for this shit. It’s not anorexia…. I am just simply not eating. But I feel my body cannot take much more. I can feel it shutting down. So do I take the punches of hunger? Or do I take the punches of life-long pain and anguish? I do not believe the punches of life-long pain and anguish will kill me. Not anymore. Not eating will.

I do not want to die. I do not wish to die. I do not pray for death, not anymore. But -like the song says- I aint keen on livin’ either. I want love. I want to be held. Not fucked. I truly believe there is so much more to life than what I have been given. Have I not been given these things because I am not worthy? Have I not seen them and missed my chance? Does one only get one chance? Was it my destiny from the start to live in pain for a reason only God has the answer to? Or are the good things still to come? Öy, so many thoughts….. see, that is what happens when one eats breakfast……

It feels like the whole world is talking about Spring and I am stuck in Winter. I truly want this snow to disappear now.

 

~ Becca ~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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54 Comments Add yours

  1. You are too romantic. I mean …you are saying: “I want love. To be held..etc”. From all my heart I hope you’ll find THIS KIND of man or LOVE (in general). But in the same time I do not believe in it (at least do not expect it from a man!!! It’s an illusion!!). I don’t think even about it. It is easier so… so my advice – do not think about it much. I think to find a good friend=partner=companion is more important and it lasts longer.
    About food. I can’t understand- how you never hungry?? :/ 😕 I’m always hungry…hm

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rebecca says:

      I understand what you are saying Ray…. I do romanticize things…. but isn’t it a lovely thought, that kind of love? I have done the friend thing, it didn’t get me very far. It took away the rest. It might last longer but it is so….. boring!
      And yes, I am hungry. Most of the time. Especially at night…. I wake up from it. So I drink more water. But as I am writing this, I am having breakfast!! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Great :)) about the breakfast 👋🤗 Yep, it’s a nice feeling to dream about love & romanticize things, but in reality I prefer to see it as it is. And “belief in love” can smash us pretty hard sometimes. Good friend or companion is never boring 🙂 if it’s boring = it’s a wrong companion/friend. Working for me lol sex is easy to find but ppl I’m compatible with (can live with) – not easy..

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Rebecca says:

          It makes sense…. if its boring, its the wrong person…

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Yep 🕺👋✌️😁 of coz!
            the thing is..after 10-15 years anyone can become “boring”: seeing/learning the same person day by day during sooo long time. we know the person too well. Nothing new = boring as hell. Every step = habit. But it doesn’t mean there’s something better outta there…

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Rebecca says:

              But what if there is? Who says there isn’t anything better out there if you do not look? Why should one resign oneself to boring?

              Liked by 1 person

              1. You shouldn’t if you think it is boring 🙂 but still I’m saying – there’s nothing better outta there. I’ve been outside ALOT, checking d guys (all groups). Lots of nice ppl outta there, some r ready to marry and give u love, family, etc etc, care about you..but it just doesn’t work for me (to live with them). To meet up – yes, to hang out & have sex – yes. To be friends – yes. But to live with them? Each day of my life? Each hour of my lifeeee??? Nope 👎.
                Anyway ppl r different 🙂 and I hope you’ll find your love! One & Only?

                Liked by 1 person

                1. Rebecca says:

                  I’m not looking though…. for the love. If you look to hard, all you’ll find is illusion. That kind of love has to find you, not the other way around.

                  Liked by 1 person

                  1. Yes maybe 🙂 hope it will find you! Say hello from me then, bcz it never found me lol 😂 and I’m 40yo soon. Or maybe it found, I’m sure my dogs loves me ❤️❤️😁

                    Liked by 1 person

  2. And I do believe you are strong! And you’ll be fine!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rebecca says:

      I will indeed be fine 😀 Thank you for your kind words!!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Rob says:

    This post requires a much more thorough response, but you are worth getting the happiness you deserve. Yes there is more than one chance at life but you have to have the courage to make your dreams reality. You deserve passion and romance and love and companionship and all the holding you can handle. Stop being so paranoid about your family, May be your brother scared them enough that they are coming around. Your mother and you talking about your abuse is HUGE, don’t belittle it or underestimate it’s incredible healing power. Yes, writing out your pain and trauma and abuse and then leaving it behind will be cathartic. Lastly, you do have an eating disorder Bec, hate to say it. You need to face it for whAt it is and get your ads back to the good. Fucking around with your health is going to bring you bad places. You can deal with life one hour at a time if you have to, but not if your in a damn coma! Especially in that harsh land, you need to do whatever it takes to come out of it! I think I covered everything. Oh, putting off things in the manner you are talking about leads to massive stress and anxiety, thus you eventually may run. Take the bull by the horns, handle your business and then move on. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Sometimes I wanna wring your neck lol

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rebecca says:

      I refuse to believe I have an eating disorder. Not gonna happen. Like I said, I am too old for that shit.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Rob says:

        Ok then. Let’s just call it an eating problem. You’ve got to sit down and take a look at what is happening and try your best, if you can, to get at the root of the problem. I’m obviously not telling you what to do, I’m merely suggesting you get super aggressive with this so you can turn the tide

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Rebecca says:

          Ya…. I know in my mind that you are right. It’s the putting into action that’s the issue. But I’ll get there 😏

          Like

  4. About the way you handle the problems. You said: “I tend to ignore problems until they are on the brink of disaster & then I 🏃 run”. It is learned also (partly) – but 50% of it IS a character too. We, ppl, usually choosing what is easier & at first “running/changing the place, ppl” seems easier..but if you don’t deal with what is here & now- you’ll never get out of it. Advices? 1. LISTEN TO YOUR THOUGHTS MORE. BUT!! Do not start ‘conversations’ in your head. I’d advice a daily journal on paper!! I mean in a small block – or phone app (something what is ALWAYS with you). Write it down – when it comes: the feeling, anger, anything. Re-read after, late evening:) It allows you reflect over your feelings and see all your day.
    2. If any negative thoughts on that journal- think: why they r there? do they tell u about something you avoid? Face them. Bcz you can’t run away from yourself. Bcz the problems are inside of you. And pain is inside of you too. Our insecurities and our unique challenges are a part of us.
    It’s a good thing with a blog, but to write at once/on the go/what or how you feel – even better. Think about it

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rebecca says:

      You are a wise woman Ray 🙂 I will think about it. I usually do start conversations in my head… arguments. It makes more sense to just write it down instead.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I find it helpful bcz when I look at my notes I think – who is this mad person haha

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Rebecca says:

          Haha lol! I like the thought of secret inner thoughts written down….

          Liked by 1 person

          1. For me it’s mostly the ideas now. I don’t write my feelings anymore. I don’t feel the need. My head & heart is totally in peace ✌️
            So try it :)) it’s fun too :))

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Rebecca says:

              That made me smile, that your head & heart are totally in peace. I’m happy for you! Oh, and I really appreciate these little chats with you Ray 😀

              Liked by 1 person

              1. And you should move outta that cold place!! I can’t even imagine how is it to live there! ouch!!! I’d depressed in the first day – I’m sure 😂😂😂

                Liked by 1 person

                1. Rebecca says:

                  It aint that cold today! Minus 5 I think. Not too bad 🙂 We have about 1 meter of snow left…. I WANT SPRING!

                  Liked by 1 person

                  1. No. It IS too cold. My dream to move to a country like Spain so I don’t need to suffer from long months of coldness and darkness. My mum said in Västerås is +3,6 today ….and even THAT is too cold for the spring!!

                    Liked by 1 person

                    1. Rebecca says:

                      Ya someplace warm would be good. But warm places usually have a lot of people.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    2. Yeah. But what is bad about it? Btw, you can always live on some mountain up there…in a very small tiny town (or I’d advice go to GOZO…or similar place like GOZO ..they do the best FTIRA!!!! It’s kinda pizzas. But old-fashion way. ( TRADITIONAL food there. You’ll eat your fingers with it lol).
                      Mmm…many ppl only in fashionable areas or famous or bigger cities. There’re a lot of small places in Spain & Italy & Malta etc..
                      Gozo is island by the way.
                      Or maybe Greece??? Lots of small islands in Greece!! Mykonos maybe? 🙂

                      Liked by 1 person

                    3. Rebecca says:

                      Oh Greece sounds good!

                      Liked by 1 person

                    4. 👋❤️❤️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️ Yep

                      Liked by 1 person

                    5. Rebecca says:

                      I’ve never been… must be beautiful there

                      Liked by 1 person

                    6. I been 5 times in Greece. Yes, the islands are beautiful:)) I love Kreta & Mykonos. even big cities but more ppl there (tourists are everywhere haha). One more nice place – Croatia. It’s very nice there, lots of peaceful places around of Dubrovnik.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    7. Rebecca says:

                      Never been! So many places I would like to visit…. Australia!!

                      Liked by 1 person

                    8. Yes, you MUST!!! I been in Australia…i know if u r not older than 31 – possible to get 1 year visa. I think I like Cape Town more lol 😂 but I never been outside of the city in Australia lol so who knows.. anyway, it reminds me about Sweden with a hot weather only.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    9. Rebecca says:

                      Sweden with hot weather. .. ya I like that

                      Liked by 1 person

                    10. maybe something for you :)) ✌️✌️ it’s very far tho. From the world lol 😂

                      Liked by 1 person

                    11. Rebecca says:

                      it is. scary :O

                      Liked by 1 person

                    12. Just difficult to communicate with the rest of the world…but it is not about that only. You have to feel home there, if you want to stay long time. Ps. Australians drink a lot. They r always hanging out at bars. In summer is too hot, in the winter – also haha I been there at the beginning of the winter – it was +27,28 lol

                      Liked by 1 person

                    13. Rebecca says:

                      Ya that’s hot!! I’m not sure I would wanna live in Australia. .. just visit. Then go home, wherever that may even. Canada maybe

                      Liked by 1 person

                    14. Canada – never been haha i have to check. I have to see Niagara Falls!!! Maybe this September…I dunno. I hope 🙂 yeah, Australia is very hot. It’s difficult for me to exist in hot weather all time. In Cape Town – all seasons in one day haha it can be hot in day time, + 20 only in evening (from 6pm) & rain/much colder/ at night lol 😂 Have u been in Canada??

                      Liked by 1 person

                    15. Rebecca says:

                      I lived in Canada when k was a kid. I miss it

                      Liked by 1 person

                    16. 👋❤️❤️ cool!!!! I’m sure it’s an awesome place. #mustvisit on my list too ✅ i think ill fly to iceland first- Reykjavik, then to Toronto. Then Niagara Falls.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    17. Rebecca says:

                      Oh excellent idea Ray!! Iceland is on my list as well. And I’ve been to the Niagara Falls. It is quite impressive!

                      Liked by 1 person

                    18. Omg omg omgggggg!! I have to go to Niagara!!! 🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃✅

                      Liked by 1 person

                    19. Rebecca says:

                      Ya you can take the boat right up to them! And there is a cave underneath. Supercool!

                      Liked by 1 person

                    20. Yesssss!!! 😄✅🤳

                      Liked by 1 person

                    21. Maybe one day you’ll find peace there…who knows. In any case – Canadian men r HAAWWTTT haha

                      Liked by 1 person

                    22. Rebecca says:

                      Haga very true!!

                      Liked by 1 person

                    23. It is about “warmer place” only, not about “running from yourself”/

                      Liked by 1 person

                    24. I love ppl :)) 😂😂😂

                      Liked by 1 person

                  2. Today is 21 mars – rocka sockorna dag(day) in Sweden! When ppl wearing diff socks haha

                    Like

  5. Problems are meant to be solved and if you have the courage to face them, then you’ll realize: ITS SOOOO much easier to take a stand than to run away.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rebecca says:

      Easier you say? Jaha….. likes the Swedes say, fy fan!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Easier yep 🙂 bcz when you face the problem – it won’t hurt anymore (or won’t disturb u). Not in the same way as it does now for ex.

        Liked by 1 person

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