So I showed you my sandwich from this morning. It took me an hour but I did eventually eat it. All 275 calories. And surprise surprise, I even ate dinner (somewhat….) . I counted my dinner to be around the 400 calories so that makes a grand total of a whopping 675 calories!

An adult woman needs about 2000 calories in a day… I still have some to go. BUT my stomach has now gotten use to no food. After the 400 calorie dinner I felt sick. My stomach has been rumbling like crazy but….. I did not throw up.

Emotionally…. It’s like I have a limited amount of space in my mind to process. I had filled up a big chunk of this space with hunger and controlling this hunger. I ate… so…. there was empty space in my mind. It filled up rather quickly with thoughts and feelings that I do not know how to handle. A part of me wishes I had not eaten. Another part of me knows I need to confront these emotions that I keep on ignoring.

But how?

The flashbacks are back. More vivid. I feel his hands on places that they shouldn’t be. I want to run. I’m good at running.


~ Becca ~


3 Comments Add yours

  1. Rob says:

    This is very sad to be reminded of your childhood trauma. The only clear path is to let it go whatever way you can. I know, that sounds so simple. But letting it go can mean focusing on you and your life now. What has happened has happened and is done. You need to keep firmly in mind that the more you let this chew you up and spit you out, the more power he remains to have over you and traumatize you over and over again in the NOW! Other than seeking professional help to talk things out, there is nothing else you can do but to let it go from you. I earlier suggested you write this stuff down and then burn it. It is very cathartic to do things like this. I think it is actually a form of therapy, though the name escapes me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rebecca says:

      I think the flashbacks have a lot to do with talking with my mom, as I told you before. Up until recently I hardly ever thought about the SOB for many years, I could always push it away. It started in December where it really hit me by surprise…. and for the dumbest of reasons.
      I do feel like I am finally working through this though. By writing.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Rob says:

        That is excellent keep it up!

        Liked by 1 person

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