And busy days that are not busy.
I am in this weird limbo. I have two blogs going; one is a blog connected to my business so I try to keep my sh*t together on that one. Me, happy & merry in my winter wonderland. I realized though that there were no feelings in it. I have been struggling with feelings lately.
My first serious depression started when I was 11 years old. I did not know why but I was rooted in this deep deep sadness. Until one day at church – which I went to every Sunday – this lady that I did not know and who did not know me asked me if I was ok. I was chocked. This total stranger cared when no one else seemed to. This total stranger saw I was not well while people at ‘home’ did not. She was an angle, I think. She helped me out of that first depression but I don’t think she ever knew.
But then came the abuse. It started when I was 12. Lasted for about a year. I have always been able to suppress it, the facts. Until recently and it caught me completely by surprise. Images that I thought were long gone are back. I hear the door closing, I feel his hands and his lips, I hear his voice. If I just stop for a second to think, there it is. Me, in a panic, feeling disgusted, guilt, screaming inside my head. But just inside my head because no one is suppose to know.
If I stop – I think. If I think – I feel it.
So I do not stop. There is always more work to be done. Always more pretty pictures to post.
I’ll get over it. I will.
~ Rebecca ~