Empty days that are not empty.

And busy days that are not busy.

I am in this weird limbo. I have two blogs going; one is a blog connected to my business so I try to keep my sh*t together on that one. Me, happy & merry in my winter wonderland. I realized though that there were no feelings in it. I have been struggling with feelings lately.

My first serious depression started when I was 11 years old. I did not know why but I was rooted in this deep deep sadness. Until one day at church – which I went to every Sunday – this lady that I did not know and who did not know me asked me if I was ok. I was chocked. This total stranger cared when no one else seemed to. This total stranger saw I was not well while people at ‘home’ did not. She was an angle, I think. She helped me out of that first depression but I don’t think she ever knew.

But then came the abuse. It started when I was 12. Lasted for about a year. I have always been able to suppress it, the facts. Until recently and it caught me completely by surprise. Images that I thought were long gone are back. I hear the door closing, I feel his hands and his lips, I hear his voice. If I just stop for a second to think, there it is. Me, in a panic, feeling disgusted, guilt, screaming inside my head. But just inside my head because no one is suppose to know.

If I stop – I think. If I think – I feel it.

So I do not stop. There is always more work to be done. Always more pretty pictures to post.

 

I’ll get over it. I will.

~ Rebecca ~

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10 Comments Add yours

  1. Oh Rebecca, I wish I could just come there and hug you. I’m terrible at words when it comes to comforting people, believe it or not, but I can tell you that I love you dearly and I pray to Our Father to wrap his arms around you, lift you up and comfort you, and help you feel your way out, to complete and total healing. I love you! xo

    Like

  2. Rob says:

    Fucking monster that would do such a thing. Most people in my blog works don’t know it yet, but I was sexually abused as a child as well. I have been having flashback images of me sitting on the tub extremely groggy while my father shaved. Why am I there? My brain won’t tell me. I was absolutely abused by my make cousin for years. Most of my childhood prior to 12 is mainly only snapshots. Thank you for your bravery. I just don’t know how I’m going to write mine out, but I just did for you

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rebecca says:

      Thank you Rob. It means a lot to me that you would tell me some of your story. It makes everything feel less lonely.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Rob says:

        You inspired me to post 40 more things about myself. It will post soon

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Rebecca says:

          Yeah! Looking forward to it!

          Liked by 1 person

      2. Rob says:

        Some of them not so pretty. Thank you

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I can understand the feeling, I was not sexually abused but I was molested and I know how it feels when someone’s hands are all over you without your consent. You did a good thing by starting a blog, it does help. Also animals esp dogs helps in making us feel better. BTW lovely photographs. Which camera do you use.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rebecca says:

      I use a Nikon 😊 but often I also just use my phone!
      Blogging certainly has helped to figure out some stuff….

      Liked by 1 person

      1. yup it does, I’m so glad I stumbled on your blog, is it okay if I reblog your poems.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Rebecca says:

          Yes, it sure is 😀

          Liked by 1 person

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